did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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