I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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