Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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