After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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