Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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