seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
