I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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