Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
