I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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