We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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