fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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