So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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