I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
