Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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