my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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