I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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