think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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