I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
