Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
