Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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