i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
