I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
