Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
