i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
