you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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