my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
