I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize