you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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