Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
