Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I want to fling myself into the sun
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
