It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
