oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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