Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
