I'm passing your future prison.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
