Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
