so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
