Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
