things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
