I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
