u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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