so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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