No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
