Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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