only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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