I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
