I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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