so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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