I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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