I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
