I'm gonna have a badass scar
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
