dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
