Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
