i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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