oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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