So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
