hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
