are you still at the devil's house?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
