I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
