I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Randomize
