I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
