I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
