I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Randomize
