Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
