I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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