you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I understand Curling. That high.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
