i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
