we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
