it was like his penis was on wheels.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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