I just pynch a tree in the face
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
