dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I will die if light touches me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
