I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
